The Twilight Saga Abridged
by ElphieThroppDG28
Summary: Too lazy to read the Twilight books? Too lazy to watch the movies? Read on to get the abridged version! Rated T for language.
1. Part 1  Twilight

I'll come out and say it: I'm not as big of a Twilight fan as I used to be. (Twihards gasp)

So, here it is: me making fun of it.

Reviews are encouraged, por favor. :)

...

The Twilight Saga...Abridged

Part 1 - Twilight

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Bella Swan. She was trippy, and plain, and really really boring, but she seemed to be likable, anyway. Her mom had issues with commitment, so she divorced her dad and went off with a sports star (Don't they all?). Since Bella didn't really want to go live with her mom in Florida, where the sun would beat down and give her sunburn, she decided to go live with her dad in Forks, Washington, because at least there, she'd have an excuse to be pale.

She started her new school, and ALL the guys she met thought she was the hottest thing since Flaming Hot Cheetos. You know, it's not that odd that guys are drawn to trippy, plain really really boring types when there are nicer, prettier, friendly girls WHO HANG OUT WITH THEM ALL THE TIME. But, whatever! Bella is the most TOTALLY RELATABLE being on the face of the earth, because so many girls who read this can pretty much imagine themselves in Bella's place (cough cough).

So, Bella made all these new friends right away (because that happens when you're a new kid), but she didn't care about them. She wanted to meet the hot guy EVERYONE was talking about. His name was Edward Cullen, and he was a BABE. I mean, seriously! There's so much detail throughout all the books, I could do a character study on him!

Anyway, he and his really good-looking model friends - er, I mean SIBLINGS - caught Bella's attention. And instead of maybe, I don't know, _paying attention to the people who obviously want to be your friend_, she decided to stare at him like she was constipated.

But, what's this? He DIDN'T want to be around her? How could that be? Bella wasn't THAT trippy, plain, or really really boring! She wouldn't allow this to be! So she continued her stalking - wait, no...OBSERVING of Edward, blowing off her new "friends" in the process. But, being Bella Swan, they allowed her to ditch them and sulk about the emo-ish god that was Edward Cullen. She was the protagonist in the story; she ran this shit.

So, one day, Bella was listening to some emotastical music on her iPod, when God sent down an angel to knock some sense into her. The angel took the form of one of her male "friends", whose van was out of control and headed right toward her! Bella stood there like a complete moron, because that's what all heroines do, and awaited to be turned into a pancake.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Edward appeared and STOPPED THE CAR FROM CRUSHING HER. She couldn't believe her luck! She didn't even have to try this time to get his attention!

So they started talking more, but Bella was getting the feeling that Edward wasn't...normal. You know, because the fact that he was really really sexy and had superhuman strength hadn't tipped her off or anything. But Edward didn't want to talk about that. In fact, he didn't want to talk to her AT ALL, which made her really really pissed.

So after saving her sorry ass AGAIN - this time for almost being raped by a bunch of drunks - Edward finally revealed to her what he was: A SPARKLY FAIRY PRINCESS!

Just kidding!...or am I?

He was a vampire - wimpy one, at that. His running wasn't all that fast, his strength wasn't all that manly, and his skin SPARKLED in the sunlight. FRIGGIN SPARKLED. Why the hell did it do that? Vampires burned up in the sun and could change into bats! They didn't sparkle like fairies! What the hell, Stephanie Meyer?

Anyway, Bella, being the genius that she is, decided that, even though Edward wanted to basically drink her blood, she couldn't stay away from him. So they started dating, because that's what any NORMAL person would do.

But, oh no! A meany tracker vampire wanted to eat her, too! Edward would not allow his new snack - I mean GIRLFRIEND - to be killed! So he and his family RISKED THEIR LIVES FOR SOME TRIPPY STUPID TEENAGER THEY HARDLY EVEN KNEW. Wouldn't you do the same?

Bella was bitten by the meany tracker vampire, but through the wimpiest fight scene ever, Edward's family ripped him up and burned the pieces. Then, in an anticlimax, Edward had to - gasp- MAKE A CHOICE! He could either suck out the venom from Bella, or let her change into a vampire. Well, apparently the OTHER SIX FAMILY MEMBERS WERE BUSY, because Edward was the one who saved Bella. Granted, he almost drained her life essence, but he didn't! And that's all tha counts!

And then Bella and Edward went to the prom together, neither of them suffering from PTSD or anything of the sort. And Bella now wanted to be a vampire, but Edward told her no; he liked her, no matter how bitchy she was.

THE END

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><p>Review? Prett please?<p> 


	2. Part 2 New Moon

The Twilight Saga...Abridged

_Part 2 - New Moon_

It was Bella's birthday. You'd think she'd be happy about it - but no! Why the hell would she be happy about her birthday? It just meant growing OLDER, while Edward stayed young and beautiful FOREVER!

The thought was UNTHINKABLE!

So the Cullens gave her a party, because gee, she said like fifty times SHE DIDN'T FRIGGIN' WANT ONE. And they got her all these presents and a cake and all that jazz. But, oh dear, when she was opening her presents, she got a PAPER CUT! Gasp! That's the equivalent of breaking a nail! THE HORROR!

Well, Jasper, Edward's "brother", wanted some of that tasty blood, but Edward was all like, "No way! She's my bitch!" So in the process, he made Bella bleed even more, and then the party was ruined.

Edward finally realized what a bonehead he was for dating such a bitchy, moody teenager. So he took her into the woods and told her that he was moving. Her first response to this was, "I wanna come, too!" Because, as we all know, heroines will gladly uproot from their families and friends to follow boys they hardly even know. But Edward wouldn't let her. It was too dangerous for her to be with him. And so, he ditched town with his family.

Bella, for the next six months, MOPED ABOUT IT. What else would she do? I mean, any normal person would just have a mourning period, then get back to their normal lives. Not Bella! She sulked and whined, and pretty much became even more trippy than she already was.

But, wait! Who's that in the distance? Why, it's our second male lead: Jacob Black! Yes, Jacob Black, Bella's childhood friend who's super buff and TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER.

Bella, being the wonderful person she is, started hanging out with Jacob, and basically leading him on, because that's what all heroines do. But, oh no! Jacob had a terrible secret: he was a WEREWOLF!

What was with her and all these hot supernatural guys? Whatever, she didn't care! She just wanted Jacob to be her friend, but it was obvious Jacob wanted to be more by the way he ALMOST KISSED HER TWICE AND SHE ALLOWED HIM.

In the meantime, Bella found a way to keep "seeing" Edward: doing reckless things and imagining him appearing to stop her before she really hurt herself. So she pretty much went insane and went on a lot of near-suicide activities, including cliff diving. Isn't this a GREAT story for children?

Well, Edward found out about Bella's recklessness, and thought she had died. So he decided to go to the big, bad vampire government in Italy and have them kill him, because his existance wasn't complete without trippy little Bella Swan.

Alice, Edward's "sister", went and kidnapped - I mean, picked up - Bella and they went to Italy, where they met the big, bad vampire government. They were really pissed because humans weren't supposed to know about sparkly fairies - I mean, vampires. So they were gonna kill all the Cullens, but Alice, who, by the way, can see the FRIGGIN FUTURE, said "No! You can't! She'll become like us...as soon as we get around to it!"

So, like the idiots they are, the government let them go. The Cullens moved back as if nothing had happened, because really, NOTHING HAPPENED. And Bella and Edward went back to their trippy, screwed-up relationship.

THE END


	3. Part 3 Eclipse

The Twilight Saga...Abridged

Warning: strong language ahead

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

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><p><em>Part 3 - Eclipse<em>

Bella wanted more than anything to be a vampire. She didn't care that it would affect her dad, her "friends", or anyone else. She just cared about being with her god-like emo boyfriend for ever and ever and EVER. But Edward told her no; not yet. Bella also wanted to have sex with Edward, but Edward said no; not yet.

Jacob, because yes he's still in here, was all like, "What the hell, you bitch? I thought we had something! You should dump that motherfucker and come be with me! You wouldn't have to change for me, dammit!"

It was true; even though Jacob's temper was out of control and he could harm her at any time, Bella wouldn't have to change into a werewolf to be with whiny Jacob. But she loved them both; how could she pick JUST ONE?

Then, out of nowhere, a new enemy appeared. Her name was Victoria; she was the whore of the meany tracker vampire from the first part. And she was PISSED that her pimp had been murdered, so she wanted to kill Edward and Bella. And to help her, she bit a bunch of unsuspecting people and turned them into baby vampires, and they were batshit INSANE.

The Cullens knew they were screwed, so they decided, instead of letting Bella be eaten by the vampires, they would form a pact with the werewolves and protect her, even though they hated each other. Okay, sure; risk your lives AGAIN for some whiny bitchy girl. That makes sense!

So after a while, Bella still couldn't decide who the hell she wanted. So she let Jacob make out with her, but then she realized she wanted Edward. So Jacob was all like, "You're telling me this NOW? Motherfucker, you're such a bitch! Dammit, I hope your sorry ass gets eaten!"

No such luck, Jacob...Bella is a Mary-Sue, remember? Of course she can't die.

So Edward killed Victoria, and the werewolves and vampires whooped some newborn ass, and everything was safe again. Yippy-skippy. Whoo-hoo.

But the vampire government wasn't happy. They were all, like, "Cullens! You need to change Bella before we KILL YOU!" And the Cullens decided they needed to get a friggin' move on.

And Bella got engaged, because Edward was a little diva and wouldn't Do It or change her unless they were married. Even though he's 17 and she's 18...yeah, not sketchy or anything.

And poor Jacob was angry, as well. But no one cared about his feelings.

THE END


	4. Part 4 Breaking Dawn

The Twilight Saga...Abridged

_Thanks for the reviews! :)_

_Warning: More strong language/some sexual content ahead._

_Disclaimer: I don't own this AT ALL._

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><p><em>Part 4: Breaking Dawn<em>

Section 1: Bella

Bella and Edward were engaged. So that meant...Bella got a brand-new car! And it was a model that hadn't been released to the general public yet! Why do all the bland characters get all the luck?

All their family and friends came to the wedding, and were super-duper supportive, even though most of them had to be thinking, "When the hell did he get her pregnant?"

But whatevskies! They were married! And that meant Bella finally could get two things: sex and immortality. Yes...such admirable goals for our young protagonist.

Suddenly, who should crash the kick-ass after-party then...Jacob Black and his werewolf pals!

(By the way, why do THESE werewolves turn into HUGE wolves instead of half-man, half-wolf? And why the hell can they change whenver they damn well please? What gives, Stephanie Meyer?)

Jacob was still pissed about Bella being a bitch to him. Can you blame him? But he was all like, "Okay, bitch, you still have the chance to ditch that motherfucking princess and have a badass life with yours truly!"

Bella said, "Screw you!" And Jacob was sad.

Then Edward took Bella to some remote island for their honeymoon. I'll spare you the details on their exploits; our friends Stephanie Meyer takes care of that in the real book. I will say that Bella got away with wearing really skanky underwear, and Edward practically crushed Bella like a grape when they were...you know. He even bruised her! But it was okay, because he also ripped up the nice pillows and broke the headboard. You know, normal stuff like that.

But then one day, Bella thought she felt something move inside her. This could only mean one thing. She. Was. Pregnant.

Pregnant, you say? No! Edward's the living dead. He can't make anyone pregnant! But remember, we're in Stephanie Meyer's world, bitches, and she can do whatever the fuck she wants, and if she says that Edward can make Bella pregnant - despite the fact that it's logically impossible - then dammit, Edward can make Bella pregnant!

So...yeah. Edward was mortified that he had made Bella pregnant, because apparently he wasn't even AWARE that he could do that, either. But for right now, we're gonna leave them with their dilemma and go to the next section of this story.

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><p><span>Section 2: Jacob<span>

Jacob does, what else, whine and complain about how unfair life is. But then...what's this? Bella's PREGNANT? No fucking way! She can't be!

But she is. Her stomach is bigger than Mount Everest, and she's dying. The other werewolves say, "There's some gross-ass monster in there! We need to kill that bitch before she can give birth to it and cause hell on earth!"

But Jacob was all, "Hellz to the no, motherfuckers! I fucking love that crazy-ass bitch! So fuck you!"

And after...more things NOT HAPPENING, Bella finally gave birth.

But she was DYING from the EXHAUSTION. And Edward was all, "Die, bitch!" and jammed some of his venom into her, so she could "live".

Jacob was pissed. What a fucking doueshbag! He got so pissed, he wanted to kill all those motherfucking princess...I mean, vampires.

That is...until he saw the love of his life.

No, it's not Bella, you dumbass. It was Bella's "monster" of a daughter, cleverly named Renesme.

Jacob inprinted on the baby, pretty much. Imprinting is a werewolf saying to anyone of the opposite sex - and I do mean ANYONE - "I'm here for you, babe." As creepy and pedophile-ish as that sounds, it's true.

And that day, Jacob became a pervert to half-vampire Renesme Cullen.

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><p><span>Section 3: Bella (again)<span>

Bella was a vampire now. She didn't really care about her daughter; her Mary-Sue transformation was complete.

She was no longer trippy, plain, or really really boring. Now she was beautiful, but she was still trippy and really really boring. She was burnt toast boring.

But no one cared ho bland she was; just as long as she was taught NOT to kill humans, like the normal vampires. But, hey, Bella's a fucking Mary-Sue! So of course there's some lame-ass bullshit that's presented to us right away.

Bella goes hunting, and smells the humans, BUT DOESN'T ATTACK LIKE A NEWBORN SHOULD.

Of course she doesn't.

When she learns about Jacob and her daughter, she almost kills the sorry little bitch. But she can't...boo-hoo. So she allows them to become friends, because that's not creepy.

But wait! This wouldn't be a story without CONFLICT!

Another vampire sees Renesme, and thinks she's a mindless infant vampire. You know, the kind that got outlawed for good damn reason because they didn't learn to STOP KILLING ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKING HUMANS. So the Cullens are screwed...again.

So they call in all their friends from around the world - the ones we haven't heard about until NOW - and prepare to fight.

But wait...what's this? Bella's got SUPER POWERS? Of course she does! And she saves the vampire's asses because she's the Mary-Sue!

So with her mind powers, Bella protects her new friends against the big, bad government vampires. But then...Alice and Jasper find another half-vampire for the convenience of the plot, and show how not dangerous he is. And then the government vampires say, "Oh, geez, sorry we were such assholes to you guys. Have a nice life."

And so there's no epic battle, no good lessons to learn, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The vampires are all happy, and Bella and Edward are free to fuck all they want without any more worries of having children.

Yeah.

I know.

Best story EVER, right?

THE END...for realsies this time. I will not do Midnight Sun, because I haven't read it and I don't want to. So...yeah.


	5. Part 5 Bree Tanner

The Twilight Saga...Abridged

Okay, one more...just because I'm bored. ;)

Disclaimer: Yeah, you already know.

Warning: Strong language and stuff.

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><p><em>Part 5: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner<em>

Who the fuck is Bree Tanner?

You know! That one vampire, in the one book, who does that one thing!

Okay, yeah, she's not really important. But I guess she was interesting enough to write a book about!

So Bree is part of that newborn club, the one that Victoria the Vampire Whore started to kill Edward and Bella. And Bree is all like, "I'm a vampire. This sucks."

But then she meets Diego, who's this hunky (we're assuming...) newborn who thinks she's kinda cute. Score! So they become buddies and play ninja or some lame shit and discover that they've been LIED to by Victoria and her new man whore, Riley.

On top of that, the other newborns are trying to kick each other's asses, because they're cranky and, like I said before, batshit INSANE. So what do Bree and Diego decide to do? Stalk Victoria and Riley, of course!

So they do that, and realize that they've gotta kill some stupid motherfucking vampires. Cool.

Then the two little noobs share an open-eyed kiss (seriously, how awkward is THAT?), and then Diego decides to get to the bottom of this bullshit. Big mistake, dumbass.

So Bree gets all buddy-buddy with Ed...or whatever the hell his name is. He's just some random guy in the background, he's not that important. So they got to battle, but Ed's all, "No fucking way am I risking my sparkly ass to fight!"

And Bree is wondering, "Where the HELL is my pimp - I mean, Diego?" And Ed's all, "He's probably in the fight already. Yo, I'm going to Canada cuz they's gots free health care. You should come with, cuz you're actually kind of cool for a sparkly fairy princess."

But Bree is too in love with her man whore, and says, "Fuck you, no way!" And Ed goes to Canada, and gets his free health care.

Bree doesn't fight, but she watches the badass action as the newborns get torn up by the other vampires and eaten by the werewolves. Hellz to the yeah this is FUCKING AWESOME!

But she realizes that Riley and Victoria FUCKING KILLED HER MAN WHORE DIEGO! What the hell was THAT for?

But, oh no, there are bigger problems: the government vampires come to deal with Victoria, who's been a naught naughty whore for making the army! The Cullens (or, at least, I think it's them...they're never given names, since it's from Bree's perspective) are all, "Edward killed that stupid fucking bitch, so it's all good now."

But then the government vampires are all like, "That trippy, stupid bitch is still alive. What the hell?"

And the Cullens are all, "Yeah, if you stop riding our asses, we'll do it!"

And the government vampires are all, "Who's this little skank?", meaning Bree.

And the Cullens are all, "She's a newborn, but she can live with us and we can train her and all that shit."

And the government vampires are all, "Hell no! She was created by that crazy-ass bitch Victoria, so yeah, she's gotta die!"

So since the story's told from Bree's perspective, we pretty much know that after the line, "I closed my eyes.", she got ripped up and burned. Tear, tear, how sad.

THE END...for real-realsies this time. :)

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><p>Man, it's amazing what I can do when I procrastinate! ;)<p>

Review, pretty please!


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